New York Yankees Star in Feature Film, Rip Van Winkle: A Baseball Tale

Steady and commanding rainfall attempted to halt the heartless nightmare of Yankees baseball on Wednesday night.

It almost appeared as though the dark sky was crying the tears of dejected Yankee gods unable to stomach watching another inning packed with emptiness.

Before the imposing cloud cover got its wish, Yankees 1B Mark Teixeira was seemingly able to revive a roster that had long since cashed in its chips.

His bases-clearing double in the eighth inning tied the game at 3-3.

Another bullpen cave in and RISP choke-job resulted in one more uncomfortable defeat, dropping the Yankees once again below the .500 mark.

As a result of the loss, New York had now become the leading role in Rip Van Winkle: A Baseball Tale.

The motion picture is about a weary ball club that suddenly slips in a comatose state. Worried spectators are left unsure of when—or if—its eyes will ever reopen.

After consulting a bevy of qualified baseball physicians, it is determined that brain activity is nominal, and the team’s weak heart makes an ultimate prognosis more complicated.

The heart in question is now pumping at just half its capacity; attributed to the removal of Paul O’Neill, Tino Martinez, and Bernie Williams from its moving parts.

Luckily for New York, its own vanity has stimulated the heart’s other half to continue functioning. Doctors feel this phenomenon is the only thing preventing an irreversible flat-line.

New York began to slip deeper and deeper into unconsciousness following the departure of Jorge Posada to visit his own series of medical personnel.

The emotional and vocal leader of the clubhouse had vanished, and New York’s heartbeat slowed to an even more perilous 30 beats per minute.

Though nowhere near the breaking point required to “pull the plug,” there is an indisputable need for daily monitoring and optimal care.

Requiring an expert opinion to help get a better grasp on the crisis, the Steinbrenners went to the only man they knew to turn to in times of medical need.

They flew to Birmingham, Alabama to visit Dr. James Andrews.

The Steinbrenners had Andrews’ number on speed-dial after signing Carl Pavano to a four-year contract, so he was rather easy to get in contact with.

Andrews was busy analyzing the brain function of Dodgers slugger Manny Ramirez, as well as determining the chemical composition of his “doctor-prescribed medication.”

After returning their call some time later, the two sides discuss every possibility resulting in a complete recovery. Andrews suggests an MRI at his world-renowned facilities, but the Steinbrenners fear what could be discovered.

At long last, Andrews supplies a six month prescription for “bullpen competency,” and a “clutch performance supplement” guaranteed to pass through MLB’s drug prevention and treatment program.

In an effort to avoid spoiling the film’s ending, I will pause the extended preview at this juncture.
After all, the movie’s conclusion could always be altered and transformed to reflect the happenings of the remainder of New York’s season.

The Farrelly Brothers performed a similar correction to the ending of Fever Pitch after a historic Red Sox curse was lifted forever.

Let’s hope that New York can realize a restoration and recovery process equally as miraculous.

There is plenty of time remaining, as we only have reached May 7 on the 2009 calendar. It is not time to panic, but I would suggest planning some summer vacations…just in case.

Lucky Number 13: Yankees Avoid Scalping at the Hands of Indians

A string of bad luck and unfortunate breaks for the Yankees finally subsided on Sunday afternoon.

Ironically, it occurred during the team’s 13th game of the season.

While Yankees pitcher A.J. Burnett struggled with his curveball all start long, he was able to perform his best Houdini impersonation.

Two home runs and seven walks later, the Yankees still only trailed 3-1.

On the other side of the pitching matchup, Carl Pavano ensured that his return to the Bronx was a successful one. He pitched six innings of excellent baseball, and was able to keep hitters off balance with a quality changeup.

After a failed rally in the bottom of the sixth inning, New York appeared to be hanging its head. The Yankees had now become “The Pacifists,” unwilling to put up a fight for most of their stadium’s opening series.

Robinson Cano was not prepared to give up so easily, as New York’s hottest hitter ripped an opposite field double to start the seventh inning.

A clutch single by Hideki Matsui brought the Yankees within one, when Cody Ransom’s failed bunt attempt brought a familiar face off the bench as a pinch-hitter.

Jorge Posada was summoned to save the Yankees from the jaws of defeat, and he was certainly up to the task.

Thanks to a home run call reminiscent of Jeffrey Maier’s 1996 postseason heroics, Posada gave New York a lead it would never relinquish.

He launched an offering from Rafael Betancourt toward the right field wall, where two fans ruined any hopes of a play being made by RF Trevor Crowe.

A long deliberation and subsequent replay review by the umpires confirmed the Indians fate. They ruled the video evidence inconclusive, which resulted in the original call of a home run to stand.

The Yankees good fortune did not end there, as three undeserved runs scored with a little help from our galaxy’s closest star. A broken bat fly ball by Cody Ransom in the eighth was lost amidst the sunshine, and New York’s lead bloated to 7-3.

Mariano Rivera was called on to finish off the win like he has done so many times before, and New York escaped with a much needed series split.

The win was not at all pretty, nor did it help to answer many of the questions still surrounding the franchise. The Yankees awoke when they needed to most, however, and were able to creep back above .500 on the season.

New York now needs to regroup against an inferior Oakland Athletics team in a three-game series beginning tomorrow night. A difficult battle with the Boston Red Sox is on the horizon in Fenway, and the Yankees cannot afford to hit the road lacking in confidence.

The Yankees dodged a bullet on Sunday, but will need to elevate their play in order to enter the next stretch of the season’s schedule.